Lots of changes

I realized this morning, that it was the shock and sudden loss of Max, in contrast with the deeply fulfilling happiness I experienced in May that really is hurting. 

I was so in love with my family - Mom, Dad, Jason and Max, together and enjoying each others company. That time feels whole and filled with golden light, and so far away now. 

With Max's passing, a lot of threads in my life were able to braid together, I'm sure in the universe's way of healing. Pre wedding, I had been thinking about beginning my consulting work and going to grad school. We had also been thinking of buying a home and laying down some roots until Max left us. During May, I also realized how much I wanted to spend time with my parents as an adult. 

Well with Max leaving, that has meant a lot more than I realized and much more suddenly. We've let go of the house idea, and are hoping to move to a smaller place with a significant decrease in rent, we are both really focused on our business and getting that ramped up and I am considering grad school finally. I am doing a ton of informational interviews and learning about business and I've gotten myself a coach to help me along the way. All of this is exciting and new, and it is naturally still rubbing against my grief and sadness. I think this will be the way it has to go for a while. 

I'm excited for the future, but still feeling sadness in the present moments.