Some of the things I miss.

I've been wanting to write and keep forgetting to do so. I'm hoping this blog doesn't follow the path of every other journal I've kept. 

I just went for an hour long walk at 5:30 in the morning. Mostly because I couldn't sleep, I woke up having weird dreams and could then only think of Max. I am going through some coaching now and part of the first exercise was to let my coach know of my best times and my worst times. Thinking about the worst times - heartbreak, loneliness, depression - I realized that Max had been there with me through it all. I am so grateful to that dog, I never repaid him enough for his crazy love. Its been three weeks and there are days where I don't think of him too much and then this. 

I feel like people in grief should get to wear a special vest or some signal, so people know that you are going through something. I also feel like there is not enough support when you lose a pet. There is no funeral, no community grieving. I feel silly sometimes sharing that I have lost my dog and grieving. People don't understand the depth of grief associated with losing such unconditional love. Memories of him flood my brain at times. 

The markings under his neck that no one else ever could see, his towering height when you laid down on the ground, the heaviness of his paws, the velvetyness of his floppy ears. The way he pranced down the hallway when alerted to something, the ridge of hair that stood straight on his back, his excited panting from the backseat of the car and the moment on a road trip when he finally laid down, happy to be moving. I remember the noise and small tornados his sniffing of everything would create, how he would walk right through the dust pile I had swept up and how he would make sure he was standing, if not laying on, any cloth that touched the ground. The paw on the couch, asking to come up and how he would gingerly jump up and crumble into a pile in the corner. Oh the grey hairs on his face and the ridge created by his nose and eyes - perfect for me to rest my chin. I loved the way he would smoosh his face and huff into my legs or chest when I was rubbing his ears. I could hug him forever. That was why I wanted a big dog, so I could have someone 'life size' to hug. 

I miss him so much. He was everything.